Snoozefest 2008: The 2008 MTV Video Music Awards

Talk about boring...MTV made a name for its piddly award's show by pushing the envelope. Apparently they've pushed it right off the desk and can't find it without bifocals, because the whole thing was tore up from the floor up last night. (You can see the brilliant Michael K's live blogging recap here on DListed--CVD and I thought he was hiding in my basement capturing our thoughts.)

Some lowlights:

• Britney "opened" the show with a boring ass sketch with that kid from Superbad. So much for a performance
  
• Rhianna sang Distrubia, which is slowly becoming a good song to me, and wowed no one with nothing. In fact, I kind of wish she would have lipsynched because the singing was awful.
  
• That new host was funny as hell, but pissed off conservatives (including Jordin "I'm Pure And Proud" Sparks) with his bit about so-called "purity rings"
• Demi Moore randomly showed up as the official MILF of the evening to give out an award
• Rhianna sang again (how does this girl get so many chances?)
• Pink gave the performance of the night with a song I do like
  
• Christina has a new theme and both CVD and I love it, but unlike Rhianna who doesn't have half the voice Christina does, she did lip synch and it was really obvious
• Kanye West closed the show with a Kenna-esque song that I liked and CVD didn't.
  

So what have we learned? Either CVD and I are too old for the VMAs (which is possible) or they're just plain ol' boring as hell (which is probable).

Congrats to Brit Brit though who won her first three VMAs last night.

Open Letter to Britney Spears

Brit--
Listen, girl. I know times are tough and you're going through a rough patch. But there's no need to push away your family and ignore sound medical advice. It seems you've surrounded yourself with lots of unknown people and maybe they have been easy on you, but now is the time for reflection and the shedding of unnecessary baggage. Let them go.

See, you and I have a troubled history. I used to despise you for annoying me. Then I questioned the value of your music and your image (I now realize that you can take things at face value and not have to politicize everything). Then I began to appreciate you. But these days, Brit, it just seems like all I do is feel sorry for you.

If ever there were a time for a "cut the games" speech, now is time for one for you. The problem is that the only person that can truly give it to you straight up is yourself. Not that creep Sam, not that other creep Adnan--only you. (And don't fool yourself, they are creepy as fuck.)

I understand that you have greater obstacles than most. But your obstacles are not insurmountable. They're only as difficult as you make them and ignoring them only makes them worse. Don't be an American Tragedy, write your own survivor story. Don't go out and stay in hotels, don't piss away your accomplishments, just stay home, reflect and learn to build from what you have left.

You have a lot to offer. And I don't mean your music or dancing, I mean your story. Your story, if you chose to do this right, can either be a cautionary tale or an inspirational story. You can make something wonderful out of something so sad. You can inspire people with problems out there to reach beyond themselves and cut the games in their own lives.

But even if you never tell your story, you can do it for yourself--and that would be a great victory.

- SG

Please get some help this time

BritBrit was rushed to the hospital early this morning.

I only pray that she gets the help she obviously desperately needs and the paparazzi (whose flippin' her off) get a clue and back the fuck off. And that Adamaananananan and Osama Lufti need to get the fuck away. They're obviously not helping matters.

Yeah, she'll be right there

Cue Bill Lumberg. He's going to need Britney to come in today.

The thing is if she doesn't it won't be shocking but it won't be good and if she does she'll probably be a hot mess.

JJ and SPF could probably keep a date better than Britney these days.

"In my family portrait, things look pret-ty happy...."

Life & Style Weekly is publishing these photos of SPF and JJ with KFed and his mom. The pictures were taken while the boys were with their father and had pink eye. PINK EYE time might NOT be the time to take a family picture that you plan on submitting to a TABLOID. Come on, K-Fed--even you have to know better, right?

Nevertheless, SPF is one of the cutest looking kids I've ever seen. JJ looks sad and lost and lonely.

Plus we all know US Weekly is the superior rag. Come on, K-Fed.

Brit Brit, the financial guru

This story, from Yahoo! Personal Finance, discusses how Britney can be a lesson to us all. Well, at least financially her maladies translate into valuable lessons about personal finance, savings and retirement.

The article points out

Assuming she could scrape by on 70% to 80% of her pre-retirement income in retirement - or about $590,000 a month in today's dollars - Ms. Spears would have to accumulate a nest egg of just over $300 million by age 65.

Sound daunting? Nah. All she has to do is keep working and put away 8% or so of her monthly $737,000 income until she retires and she'll hit that goal.

8% ain't that bad. And just think--if your employer matches, that's twice the amount. Obviously Britney has no one employer to match any funds, but her failure to save should be a lesson to us all.

A 25-yr old making $30,000 a year, for instance, and putting away the same 8% of his pay into a 401(k) plan annually for the rest of his career is virtually guaranteed a comfortable retirement by time he hits his 60s.

A comfortable retirement? Sounds nice. Hell, a retirement at all sounds good at this point.

The lesson: When it comes to saving for retirement, sometimes you can Gimme More and have your cake too.

(Doesn't she look smart in the picture above?)

Split Screen Sadness

This is a comparison of what Britney's VMA performance did look like and should have looked like.

...but my purchase money won't be well-spent

In addition to the fears that my Blackout CD purchase will fuel certain addictive items (coke, alcohol, prescription pain killers, child abuse, Starbucks), I now know that none of it is being saved.

And normally I wouldn't care, but you and I both know that this woman's children are going to need years of detailed therapy. And that shit ain't cheap.

She needs to take a JA credit and spending class, as Moxie would say.

Against my better judgment

So I did it.

I went ahead and ignored my better judgment and purchased the new Britney Spears cd, "Blackout." I must admit, it is a good set of dance and pop music.

It still makes me feel icky. The sad part is that I think it makes me secretly like it more.

At least I'm not as obsessed with it as this person.

The other shoe finally falls

Guess SPF and JJ are going back to Daddy.

Britney: For the love of God, yourself and your children, please get yourself together. Stop making stupid decisions. They're not even stupid, they're asinine. Driving on a suspended license landed Paris Hilton in jail...do you think you're above that?

Stop it. Just stop it.

Oh, Brit, you could have done better but I blame most of this on MTV

MTV has gone to hell in a handbasket. Remember when the VMAs used to be fun, even (dare I say it) exciting?

Well, I'm glad I wasted the better part of an evening watching that pile of crap. And they didn't even show Kid Rock punching Tommy Lee--that would have been the best part of the evening.

And Brit, here's an idea for your next "big comeback":

Gimme less...

That was a mess, Brit Brit. A hot mess.

Um.....yeah....no one believes you, you crazy lady

So Britney belatedly apologized for going ninja on some photog's car in February. Here was her "explanation":

I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella," Spears said in a statement posted Wednesday on her Web site. "I was preparing my character for a roll (sic) in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part.

First of all...it wasn't a stunt. It was you going nuts like a squirrel on crack. Second, you were not preparing for any roll but that of crazy wife and mother gone wild. Third, you take your rolls very seriously? All one of them? And finally...no shit you didn't get the part...there was no part to be had.

Ah Britney, you do, in fact, drive me crazy.